It’s a quiet evening — a rarity in this house. Luke is resting, hopefully well, after days of illness. Andy is out. I’m home at my computer, listening to the quiet hum of the computer fan, the clicking of the dogs’ toenails on the hardwood, and the ticking clock. 6:45 pm. And hours to go before I sleep.
In the quietness, I’m left with my thoughts, which have been pounding in my head lately, full of conflicting feelings of doubt and excitement. In the pit of my stomach I feel dread — Tuesday morning I will be going to a place that’s unfamiliar, full of people I don’t know, doing an activity I’m not up to speed with, and I’m worried about how it will go. It’s my first Crossfit class, and I’m really nervous.
I’ve been dwelling on my uncertainty in an attempt to quell my fears. Maybe, somehow, delving down to the root of the issue will make it all better. But it always comes back to the same answer — it’s new, and fear of the unknown has always been an issue for me. A predictable path is comforting, but throw in something new — while exciting — it throws comfort right out the window. I remember feeling like this with every new job I’ve ever started. With my first day (well, weeks) of college. With my first days of transferring to new middle and high schools. With starting Kung Fu. It’s always the same dread that fills me. Sometimes I can’t sleep the night before or my dreams reflect my sense of fear.
What do I suppose will happen? It can’t be all that bad, right? Not necessarily. I could be really horrible and fail miserably. It’s happened before — like when I tried to get certified as a lifeguard, which was a complete disaster. The experience pretty much confirmed my belief that you should know something about an activity before you start. Of course, that was different. That wasn’t a class — that was a certification.
I’m finally to the point where I’m so fed up with this feeling of dread I have told myself to shut up and not let it ruin the experience for me. The people at the Crossfit facility have assured me that I am well prepared for the class, and that the whole point is to improve yourself. What would be the point if I already could do the moves perfectly?
And at least I’m having these feelings and still signed up. I was tempted to pass on it once and for all — who needs the pressure? Well, trying new things and bettering oneself is what life is all about, as far as I’m concerned, and if I’m not willing to move out of my comfort zone every once in a while — well, then, life is boring indeed.